They should try to maintain eye contact throughout the game and notice how they feel about that contact and what makes them want to look away. Once they have assumed their coital position, the wife says to the husband:

“I love you just the way you are.”

Then she says the next thing that comes into her mind.

Then the husband says:

“I love you just the way you are.”

Then he says the next thing that comes into his mind.

They repeat this simple sentence and the follow-up thoughts as long as necessary—that is, as long as it takes to say everything that pops up from their unconscious (or formerly censored conscious).

What happens is that whenever they say, “I love you just the way you are,” the next thought that will come into their minds is a negative judgment, such as, “Except I wish you’d lose weight,” or “Except you come from a poor family and don’t know how to be rich,” or “Except I hate the gap in your teeth,” or “Except I wish you were a little smarter/prettier/a better dresser.” As these negative judgments are acknowledged, the impasse will be broken, replaced by the feelings they have been withholding from one another. Sometimes arguments ensue:

“Oh, so I’m not pretty enough for you.”

“No, you’re pretty enough—it’s just that I have these per-fectionistic standards.”

“Well, you’re no movie star yourself.”

“That’s true.”

*112/196/1*

---

Posted by admin on April 9th, 2009 :: Filed under Men's Health-Erectile Dysfunction

---

“I am?

“Yes. But if you do stay, be forewarned that I shall spare nothing in my attempt to please you sexually.” “Nothing?” “Nothing.”

He envelops her in his strong arms. “You’re holding me so tight.” “That is correct.”

He kisses her hard. At first she playfights to get away, then coyly surrenders to his new force and verve, and kisses him back. If the husband and wife are playing this together, they will have no trouble making up their own variations. If the husband is still the sole activist, he needs to proceed with caution: By now, even if the wife was initially surprised, she will probably be playing happily along with him. However, if she is frightened or angry or feels threatened, he should not press on. Instead, he ought to use the occasion to talk about both their feelings. This in itself can be fruitful if he finds out what it is about this game that has upset her. Such questioning is certain to open up new avenues of communication about the sexual realm.

Otherwise, the game continues. The husband tosses the empty champagne glasses aside (or breaks them in a fireplace, if feasible) and says, “Oh—here’s a little something for you. Put this on.”

*87/196/1*

---

Posted by admin on April 9th, 2009 :: Filed under Men's Health-Erectile Dysfunction

---

Depressed people negate life. They have felt negated as a child (or in some more-recent period), and now negate themselves and others. This serves a defensive function of protecting them from negation—for if they negate themselves as well as others before they negate them, they will be spared the pain of further negation. A secondary gain of depression is that it wins sympathy from others. However, generally depressed people reject sympathy. They cry out for it, only to reject it when it is offered. This repeating pattern expresses extreme ambivalence. It is also a reenactment of what happened during some earlier traumatic period.

One of my patients continually negated me. He would come late, pay late, and fall asleep during sessions. If I said anything to him, he would denigrate it, calling it “stupid.” He denigrated my office and me alike, saying my furniture was cheap and my clothes tacky. If I tried to talk to him he would say he did not feel like talking, and if I tried to help him he would say nobody could help him. He also negated everybody else in his life. As soon as he had sex with a woman, he would feel disgusted by her and never want to see her again. Anybody who chose him for a friend was eventually seen as worthless.

*62/196/1*

---

Posted by admin on April 9th, 2009 :: Filed under Men's Health-Erectile Dysfunction

---

Players: Bored husband and wife; travel agent. Activists: All three players consent to and participate in the game.

Setting: Deserted island in the middle of a lake, or cabin in the woods.

Aim: To throw husband and wife together into an intriguing (nonboring) situation from which there is no escape, and force them to relate in a new way.

Game Plan: The travel agent (a friend or relative) blindfolds the bored husband and wife and takes them to a deserted place. The agent may take them by boat to an island in the middle of a lake, or by car to a cabin in the middle of the woods, and leave them there. In either case, they will be stranded in an unfamiliar place for a weekend. The island or cabin will basically offer only food, water, and shelter—no modern amenities, such as television or laser disks. If either the husband or the wife should want to escape, he or she will have to swim or walk a long distance, even to a back road.

*37/196/1*

---

Posted by admin on April 9th, 2009 :: Filed under Men's Health-Erectile Dysfunction

---

The seeds of resistance to intimacy are planted in early childhoodr-watered throughout adolescence and young adulthood, and become fully grown sexual blocks in adult life. These blocks manifest themselves in a myriad of defensive postures, such as angry defiance or martyrdom or anxious sub-missiveness or appeasement or perfectionism—all of which are attempts to control both ourselves and others. As long as we are controlling and manipulating people, we cannot allow genuine intimacy to develop. It must develop voluntarily and cannot be manipulated or controlled.

Hence, mature sexuality is free of control or manipulation. It is a voluntary sharing of affection between two consenting adults. Just as a mother voluntarily shares her breast with her infant, so a lover voluntarily shares his or her sexuality. In this voluntary sharing between two consenting adults, a mutuality occurs which becomes the framework for mature loving. You cannot will this process to happen by determining to be more loving. Rather, it comes about through the acceptance of everything about ourselves and our lovers—our hopes, our fears, our beauty, our ugliness, our loves, our hates, and in particular everything we would like to disown and disavow in both ourselves and others.

*12/196/1*

---

Posted by admin on April 9th, 2009 :: Filed under Men's Health-Erectile Dysfunction

---