People with spinal cord injuries have found some other skills particularly helpful for establishing romantic relationships. In a study of sexuality in women with spinal cord injuries, assertiveness was most often mentioned as a useful social skill. Being outgoing and taking the first step in conversations, smiling and making good eye contact were recommended. Communication about your feelings is part of being assertive. The physical limitations of your injury might make spontaneous physical contact difficult. You may need to say that you have a romantic interest or that you’d like to kiss your partner. Sometimes it’s unclear whether you are being included in social activities as a friend or as a potential lover. Don’t be afraid to ask “Is this a date?” and to clarify your own intentions.

For many people with spinal cord injury, presenting a good physical appearance is an important factor in attracting potential partners. Clothes and hairstyles that flatter your best features and are fashionable and appropriate to the social situation make a good first impression. Colorful ties or jewelry that express your individual style can attract positive attention and help counteract the tendency of others to see the wheelchair first.

Getting out to the same social events and situations that you enjoyed before your injury is the best way to meet people. You can still go to parties, restaurants, bars, classes, meetings, and so on, as long as they are accessible. You can participate, perhaps with modifications, in most activities. If you liked ballroom or nightclub dancing, you can dance in your wheelchair. You can participate in wheelchair sports, hiking, or camping activities, attend lectures or college courses, join book clubs or political campaigns – in short, engage in whatever interests you and brings you in contact with other people.

But what if you can’t get out as often as you’d like, because of transportation problems, inaccessibility of the places you’d like to go, or periods of physical illness? Many people have found computer chat rooms and virtual cafes a great way to connect with others. Sometimes people meet on the Internet and eventually exchange phone numbers and even arrange meetings that turn into real relationships. (Of course, you should apply the same cautions about first meetings that you would for any blind date: meet in a public place with other people around and don’t give out your address until you are comfortable with the new person.) You can also consider using computer dating services and dating services set up specifically for people with disabilities.

Many singles, both able-bodied and disabled, meet through personal ads in local newspapers. These provide initial anonymity and the opportunity to screen a potential date through letters and phone calls before deciding whether to meet. They also give you control over when and how you reveal that you have a spinal cord injury. You can wait until you’ve established some rapport, or you can disclose your disability immediately and weed out callers for whom this is a reason not to meet you. In either case, placing or answering personal ads can be a good way to make contact when your opportunities are limited. You can decide whether to advertise in publications directed at other physically disabled people or in community or city newspapers with general readership. It’s often a good idea to advertise in a publication that represents your interests or peer group, such as age-related, religion-related, or hobby-related magazines.

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